Virginey - part II

So this is part 2 of the trip to VA, but these arent actually photos from Virginia, these are from Baltimore...but its pretty much the same place just as long as you add the aroma of a rotting corpse that has been floating downstream on a hot east coast summer day. The kind of saturating smell that sticks on your skin like tar from the road.


We went to the Baltimore Aquarium as part of the festivities. Simon and Melissa are posing fro the camera while a drunken charlie is trying to figure out how he got there. the show was a sensory onslaught of bad music followed by a dolphin flipping in the air...one time...that was the show. Music, "save our oceans" one-liners, and a dolphin flip. It was like having paid for a movie and once you actually understand what the movie is about, the credits roll. Perhaps the reason why the show was so bad was because they got the "corky" dolphins. As if there was some sort of central pot of all the dolphins to be used in the various "sea shows" around the US and the Baltimore Aquarium was like..."hey why dont we just get the retarded ones, we can get twice as many cause no one really wants them...."


My boys chillin on a bridge that connected 2 parts of the Aquarium. Even at rest, they exhibit the Clater genome. Thats some powerful genetics right there.


I find it useful as well as fun to explain where food comes from to my children. Simon is at an age where he is making the connection between cows and burgers and chickens and nuggets. Although he understands the food chain to an extent, he is still a bit hesitant to go near the tank and confront his meal in its almost natural habitat. Charlie seems to have no such dilemmas and is licking the glass as the fish swim near.


Charlie is watching his back even though there is about 6 inches of glass separating him from the inhabitants of the tank. He already understands that you never trust an animal that cant naturally blink....especially one that is so tasty when a little butter is added.

Travelin' to Virginia and such...

Traveling on an airplane with children is the stuff nightmares are made of. We have had our ups and downs with it pending where we lived at the time and how long the fights were, but i think at this point my boys are old enough to just chill out and not be bouncing howler monkeys.


Simon does a great impression of the end sequence of "Staying Alive" while walking through the airport, where John Travolta is asked what he's going to do next after he just got done pushing his dancing tights to their limits. As it were...he feels "like struttin'....." Charlie immediately recognized the impression and started to act it out......
...cue the BeeGees....


Once on the plane, Charlie plugged in his headset to rock out. Unfortunately the only thing playing was "Vincent" by Don McLean, repeating over and over again. Charlie was not very amused...and its just a downer of a song all around...you know...all about struggling and toiling and then dying alone only to be appreciated once your dead...mmmm...insane artists.


With the 5 hour flight over and hitchin a ride on a free shuttle, the boys are a bit overwhelmed by seeing so much greenery..and trees, and open space....and people who don't look like barbie dolls. Simon's system went into shock with such an overwhelming discovery and retreated into his happy place until we reached our destination.


"Seriously charlie...this Museum was in that craptastic Michael Bay movie..."Transformers 2"... Ever heard of it? It was in that scene with the SR-71 "Decepticon" that they woke up, but was actually a good guy, which somehow transformed from the plane to an old robot with a cane...cause that made perfect sense...robots growing old and all. Seriously...it was that black plane right behind us....i know...that movie sucked monkey balls...but it had...explosions? and things blowing up? and poor dialog delivered by mediocre actors....yeah...i understand why you stopped listening to me..."

Finally....it begins!

Its taken a while to get around to updating this sucker. I wish I had some long valid explanation, but unfortunately being lazy doesn't seem to fit the bill in regards to a suitable excuse....yep...pure laziness. When I finally do get some spare time I really weigh the options as to how to fill said time...update our family blog, or just stare off into space occasionally wiping the drool from the front of my shirt...its sad, yes I know this. Anyhow...enjoy a few posts. I will be adding my COMIC-CON 2009 images soon enough and you too will delight in the horror.


Simon decided he wanted to grow up and be the best skipping rock ever. He bailed while pushing a baby's toy shopping cart behind our house and tripped sliding across the pavement like a smooth flat stone would across a placid lake. The healing process had not yet begun so we were privileged to photograph the subject with the skin freshly pulled from his face. It really doesn't look all the bad, but the scabs were freakin' sweet.


Charlie was entered into the "Red Head" contest at the local strawberry festival. Once he was up there on stage with all the other ginger kids, i realized he really isnt all that red, but no one came close to the mop-fro hair he was sporting that day...and he lost too. In reality, I was kinda relived...cause who really wants that kind win in their books? "I was the gingeriest kid at a ginger kid festival". Thats like saying I had the best limp at a limping festival.


Something seems different in this photo that is out of place. It's hard to put my finger on it, but I see two relaxed, happy children smiling for a camera in the arms of their grandparents who were visiting that day....oh...and then there's the fruit of the devils loins in the middle of it all, screaming profanities and reminding our waiter that his soul will be on the menu that night instead of the normal mundane selection. My brother in law calls it Abby, but i think it's real name is secretly "Legion...(for they are many)". After i captured the demons image on my crappy camera phone, I waited patiently for her head to spin around and pea soup to be projectile vomited across the table, but much to my disappointment, that never occurred.


You see me smelling this cupcake...you likey? you want some? oh...I wont eat it all...I promise, just a small bite here and little nibble there. I'll save you some...


HAHAHA-NONE FOR YOU!....(nom, nom, nom, nom)

Double Dangnabbit

ok...so I havent kept up with this, I am well aware of that. I promise to update this little blog shortly with some fantastic imagery and new, never before seen pictures of the "terrors from my loins"....like a side show but without the popcorn or cover charge.

Crap...my meager streak is over.

I was so good for a few months...then I got busy. See how that works? Its not that i don't care about doing updates to this blog, its just that i don't care enough...Dont get me wrong, i enjoy entertaining those few who actually navigate to our little family blog and laugh at my general shenanigans and outright mockery, its just not in the forefront of my mind on a daily basis, therefore updates get left behind, like a forgotten child at a gas station. Don't worry, I always go back for them, but the example still applies.


So this is Simon riding a bike for the first time sans his training wheels. I had the boys one saturday while melissa was working and my mother was in town. We had an impromptu family gathering at a park where Simon promptly hopped on his cousins bike and took off. I took about 50 pictures as he rode the child sized bike in circles only crashing when he wanted to stop. My pride began to show as i talked to my extended family about the intelligence of my oldest son but also about his natural athletic ability to be able to pick up a bike and just go for the first time. When my wife arrived home that night i showed her the pictures i took and explained with amazement how gifted our son was. her response was "oh, hes been riding a normal bike for weeks now.....". Nice...So, the lesson learned is that my children have major milestones in their lives and i learn about them weeks if not months later. So, instead of a son with natural athletic ability, i have one that can ride a bike, but just cant stop without wrecking.


I can't tell where the hat begins and his hair ends. He's like a ninja that can only hide when standing near a fire truck or school house from the 1800's.


Simon watching cartoons one saturday morning. I really got nothin' for this one. I just saw him with his legs crossed and his hands folded in his lap and it made me giggle. But look at those huge freakin' clater feet. Looks like we yoinked some flippers off of a walrus and slapped them on his ankle stubbs.


There was some confusion on Charley's part as to what kind of dress up was going to happen. Simon went for the classic star wars and charlie is all about the lone ranger/hulk medley. Charlie knows he is supposed to be strong, but also riding on a horse. So he settles for a one arm muscle pose rounding it up with a look of concern his people with a strong sense of law and justice.

A bit more salt...its pretty bland

Simon is telling me a story here...but i think at this point in the story he busted out some robot dance moves because he knew he was losing his audience.


This is Simon explaining the beautiful process of birth using his stuffed animal as his teaching example. Well, ok, thats not really what he is doing here, but doesn't it look like he has taken a slice of practical education and is now applying it to his every day conversations? And, from what I can remember when Melissa squeezed him out, it looks like he got the facial expressions right too.


This was taken during my "red phase". The pasty skin represents the lineage of our forefathers as they struggled against the sun and toiled in their seared skin never receiving any sort of relief, or sunblock application. Its entitled "Hephaestus".

I'm on a freakin roll...dig it.

Yet another notch in my belt of posting crap a few months consecutively. I find myself on a Saturday afternoon with my wife at work and my children with my visiting mother...i figured i got nothin' else going on and i might as well hit this blog up with some newer images.


Charlie's reaction to discipline...or perhaps Melissa is nagging him about his general lack of priorities...this reaction can apply to both instances.


"Crap...you saw that?....well...in my defense, she just kept talking...."


Me and the boys at the beach from our "family portrait series". As you can see...it was super successful. Me squinting at the camera while the sun blazes behind the photographer, Charlie channeling his Norsk ancestry and screaming as to prepare for battle, and simon lifting his pant legs much like a young victorian girl would humorously lift her skirt as to avoid a mouse. We are the Claters dammit!


Our car was dirty, so we took it to an automated car wash. As you can tell by their expressions, Simon really dug it and Charlie was thankful he was wearing diapers.


This is an older image from the x-mas scavenger hunt we participated in with Melissa's family. We had to take photos of all items on the list with family members in the pictures. We were cheating on this particular find. The objective was to find a clothing item with a chicken on it...we found ducks and melissa is hiding the word "duck". We came in last place and we cheated....so...yea...we suck at scavenger hunts. Aside from images that demonstrate our sucking at various remedial tasks, this image reminds me of a few memorable scenes from "village of the damned". In case you have no idea what i'm talking about here is a link to admire: Beware The Stare!

Hey look...a post the very next month

Im getting better at posting blog entries...i just neglect other things in my life in order to do so....kids, wife, chores...but lets be honest, im not that great at chores and my family is easily distracted by shiny objects or the Noggin Channel.


Over Christmas we went to the beach on a blustery day to take some family photos....and this is one...Here we see charlie soaked up to his waste in sea water after being there about 36 seconds...but to his credit, throwing big rocks into the tide pools was much more enjoyable then smiling at a camera.


Simon smiling for my crappy iphone camera...i swear, for a super over-hyped expensive piece of equipment, the camera really sucks monkey balls. In order to get a semi-decent image, the camera as well as the subject matter must remain perfectly still. then there's the whole push the "button" and wait 5 seconds for it to take. Again, sucks...big...monkey...balls. Simon didnt really notice my frustration as he was checkin' out the ladies and asking me for a copy of the image to make his 5x10 glossy's. He kept asking me if his hair was ok to which i responded.." looks like you just woke up"....his crooked smirk and a slow motion nod was all i needed to know that this was the look he had so delicately manufactured all morning long.



I asked Charlie to give me a kiss...this was the result. I knew immediately that Melissa had not be so truthful to me when i asked her if charlie was awake as she got caught up with her "show"....(Desperate Housewives)...yep....we're learnin' them young....learnin' them young.


Cort, my younger brother, showed me also what he had seen at my house while charlie was awake...his version was bit more disturbing and quite possibly what nightmares are made of.

Look....updated for no apparent reason.

Charlie calling upon the powers of a less-then-known Demi-God who is in charge of ridiculous matching hawaiian shirts. His prayer goes on unheard and unanswered as you can plainly see.


Simon, upon learning that Charlie's crys of embarrassment were less then persuasive to the said Demi-God of retarded apparel, began to call upon faded 80's wrestler *Sgt. Slaughter....who's last known whereabouts were the San Diego Comic Con, 2007. His pleas were cast by the way as well. (*Mr. Slaughter was hocking some sort of GI Joe character...I finally truly understood the ending of "Old Yeller" and how it was best for all parties involved.)


My entry into the short story contest...non-fiction category. Melissa and i were in our front room watching some tv (probably Scrubs) when we heard a sound of a constant flow of water hitting the wood floors. We had some pipe issues in our ceiling in the past, so when my wife jumped up to grab a towel she rounded the corner and began to laugh instead of fetching something to soak up the liquid. I got up to see what the commotion was all about and beheld my oldest son, standing on the fouth stair up, pants down around his ankles, with a steady stream of pee flowing from his neither regions. His eyes were half shut as he was scratching his neck waiting for his valve to shut off. We clapped...we screamed...we tapped his chest and head...nothing could stop that river...so we stood back and let him finish. What you see is the aftermath..pay special attention to the wall...notice the darker gradient of color that the wall magically takes on near the base of the stair case.........soaked.....yeah...our special little guy.